Thursday, March 31, 2005
money...a very coveted entity..a much praised as if its god and the pieces of printed paper and chips of metal makes the world go round!! how ironicnically influencial money can have on people.
for myself? i know the bitter taste of having no money....not at the least tonnes and tonnes of them. ... i suffer from it. the predictament of furthering my education, expenses i have to bear and the hard work that comes along with it definately challenges me 2 another level.
what can i say more? we shall wait till dat day comes....
s0metimes i wished s0me0ne out there will findd me; ``____x 10:30 AM
Saturday, March 26, 2005
26th is yest...an hour ago in fact
just had family gathering..was feeling sick . down with flu and cough. went SIM today to register for my degree..haiz finally ey...fucked up gotta pay $105 for a FUCKING registration. oh well...i've had it. went out very early today at 9am met him had breakfast at Bukit Batok BK then head on to take 61 to SIM...got off a bus stop earlier so had to wait for another bus just to get to the designated stop. freaking filled with students with $$ to register..sigh..i scraped my $$ ok! fucking hell..anyway nvm that went back home and started cooking non-stop for my relatives later to come..
my grandparents came 1st..was soooo thrilled to c my grandma for the 1st time in a very long time..i missed her sooo much. i could have called her..but bullshit i didn't. i was so freaking bz doing redundant stuff like catching up with mu freaking sleep when i could have spent 5 mins or so calling her and making her day. i deserved to be slapped twice with powerful force..
a strong, caring full of love petite woman who has brought me up with so much care and love..and this is wad im doing to her in return? a fucking 5 mins call is a lot to offer..fuck myself! anyway..when she was heading home i broke down to tears full of regrets and hatred for myself, i wished i had been there for her these years, caring for her as much as she has done for me..giving her more love than she did for me and telling her that i love her every single min/day. i hugged her and started to sob...my tears kept rolling down my plump cheeks and started wetting her baju kurong..
she asked me why am i crying? she even said she is sorry she couldnt sleep over because she has got wedding invitations the next day..ohmy gawd..dat made me cry even more...i should be the one keeping her company..staying with her..talking to her all night long reminiscing the days when i was small and how she would make me a cup of milo every morning b4 i head to school... i grabbed her waist tight...thoughts gushing out of my brain juices...and finally utter "a'a sayang nya'i.." (i love you,grandma)!!
she repeatedly asked me why am i tearing up sooo bad and she kissed my forehead lots of times and dat made me feel as if im a child again...the 5 yr old gurl 1 st day at school..fearing she would have no frenz and grandma just hugged the girl and kissed her forehead reassuring its all gonna be okay...*sob*sob*
then she said you could always call me and i would be happy enough to hear your voice....fuck i felt the chopper nearing my neck at that point of time already..i'm already choked off my breath and gasping for air..
the disheartening situation died minutes later and i asked my dad to offer my grandparents a lift home..i followed of coz and along the journey i just lied my head on her shoulder and grab hold of her arm..not wanting to let go..occassional tear would roll and wet her tudong.
but she lighten me up with stories of my dad and uncles and advises on how to be happy...
nyayi, i really sayang you and wouldn't know what to do w/o you. pls allow me to make it up to you...i love you...
s0metimes i wished s0me0ne out there will findd me; ``____x 1:38 AM
Thursday, March 24, 2005
nobody has ever notice the dark side of me. this horrific nature was cultivated ages ago tracking back to the younger days when i have already matured and attained sensible thinking. i am all about scales and once the other side of the scales is tilted, i'll turn into a nasty, envious, unreasonable,egocentrica (just to name a few) LADY. I hate ppl to be better than i am esp my love ones..that is why i am considered the 'by far' most successful and intelligent in the family.
but when my other half is doing way better than i do..i flipped totally. it is just so unfair...i don't see him as deserving as to have a place in the local university. I know i am way better than he is in terms or intellectuality, creativity, sensiblity, originality, leadership and strenghts....what he has is only paper that differs him from the rest. the FUCKING word MERIT. what does MERIT mean anyway a sucker for books who has better retention and memorising capabilities?? Or just a plain sucker who is born with no doubt a high speed operational brain with tonnes of luck and biasness?
there's always the 2 categories of this SUPERIOR race..for i have scrutinised every single detail with my own eyes and experienced the discreet torment between minority for a place in singapore. the CHINESE majority practically rule Singapore.....if only they could reproduce more despite other attributing factors, they would have surmount the universe by now. i should clarify the fact that i am not racist just purely distiguishing between what is obscure and the evident.
we don't see this or we just choose rather to ignore the overwhelming injustice running along with us throughout lifetime....ignore??? why? fuck the ignorance and do something abt it.
prove to those fucking idiots who think that country is by their side for they could get anything just about anything in SIngapore.
back to where i mentioned abt the 2 categories....these typical chinese lifestyle..
(1) with adequate intelligence and tonnes of luck
(2) darn brain-less but tonnes of fuckin $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
so where do tat leaves us with? Fucking zilch....we run,track,swim and crawl....only a few would survive by the end of the race..but those mentioned above? they drove...and reached with safety.
its always an eye-opener for us minorities...think about it? aren't we walking alone?
shouldnt we have the right to think this way..im neither a sadists or showing off my shrewdness but i believe in JUSTICE..everybody is equal!
xx. oh btw my bf is a CHINESE n hes in category (1) . xx
[xx] farking off nw [xx]
s0metimes i wished s0me0ne out there will findd me; ``____x 10:18 AM
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
- taking risk to walk alone to the other end of the horrifying dark alley alive
- let me say it again alone..im walking alone...
- future seems so far and uncertain..my life is bound to its doom
- im now surrounded by darkness and fear
- paranoia has just sipped in slowly....threathening me with all kinds of things
- wad if and wad nots???
- i'm drifting away dragging my feet unknowingly farther away from the light
- b4 i even realise..I"M GONE...
s0metimes i wished s0me0ne out there will findd me; ``____x 5:02 PM
*[[____ blabberrs ((: `-//*
*[[____ the girll `-//*
. rabia'tul adawiah aka rabia
. the lady with the scales
. 22th OCT 1983
. a mentally inflammed fille((:
. Likes happy endings. =)
. Who doesn't?
*[[___ She who dreams can touch the stars `-//*
blahhs. im all bout JUSTICE peepos. =x